Igrot Kodesh · Letter 264 — Free Will and Divine Decree in Matchmaking

By the grace of Hashem*, 23 Shevat* 5707, To the learned Chassid*, Hashem-fearing, student of the Yeshiva*, the Rav* ... I greet you and bless you,
I reply to your question, the content of which is as follows:
A) 'I have found that a controversy exists regarding the formation of couples. According to the exegetes, these are formed by the free will of each party, whereas, according to the Kabbalists*, a divine decree is at their origin. I wonder what the view of Chassidut* is on the matter.'
B) 'Various texts of Chassidut* seem to indicate that it is indeed a divine decree. If so, why is effort necessary in this domain? Is it merely an action allowing the laws of nature to be respected?'
You do not indicate in your letter the sources for all these claims. Nor do you specify the different conceptions that exist for each of these two perspectives. Moreover, your first question has a practical implication and the Poskim* [1] rule on it.
I will therefore set forth the different conceptions, which will allow me to answer your questions.
* * *
Does the formation of a couple depend entirely, partially, or not at all on free will? Several opinions and conceptions have been put forward on this matter.
These views are based on the interpretation of the tractates Moed Katan* 18b, Sotah* 2a, Sanhedrin* 22a, Bava Batra* 12b, the Midrash* Bereishit Rabbah* chapter 68, the Zohar* vol. 1 pages 91b, 207b, 229a, vol. 2 page 170b, vol. 3 page 283b, and other references as well.
Midrash Tehillim* is cited in particular, but I do not have it and cannot consult it.
* * *
The different conceptions are as follows:
A) The Sefer Chassidim*, chapter 383, teaches: 'A heavenly voice [2] proclaims: The daughter of so-and-so will marry so-and-so, and the lust of another man will be of no effect. It will allow him to marry her for a short time, without uniting with her, then he will divorce her or die, and she will marry the one destined for her.'
The Sefer Chassidim* does not specify what kind of union is referred to here, but, in order to reconcile it with the tractates Moed Katan* and Sotah*, one may say that it refers to the first union.
B) A first commentary, on the same reference, according to Azulai [3] and Rabbenu Nissim*, in tractate Moed Katan*, says: 'The prayer of another will allow him to marry this woman and even to unite with her, but ultimately she will be repudiated, or lose her husband, and will marry the one destined for her.'
C) Rashi*, commenting on the Rif* in tractate Moed Katan*, specifies: 'The heavenly voice states the decree, but prayer can annul it completely.' He does not say that this annulment is only temporary.
The Tosafot*, commenting on tractate Sanhedrin* 22a, compare this prayer to that which transforms a male fetus into a female [4], which is irreversible. The Tzemach Tzedek* holds the same view in his commentary on tractate Moed Katan*.
D) According to the Tashbetz*, vol. 2, chapter 1, one has free choice whether to marry or not, but, if one decides to do so, one must marry the one designated by the heavenly voice. Another man who desires it may preempt the one who is to marry this woman, but his union will not endure, as stated in paragraph B.
E) The Rambam*, at the beginning of the last of his eight chapters, says that the heavenly voice does not issue a divine decree, but only indicates a natural tendency, making the choice of a particular woman easier and simpler. Nevertheless, free choice is fully preserved. One should also consult the responsa of the Rambam*, paragraph 159.
This explanation, according to which the predestination of couples is only a matter of natural attraction, applies to both the first and second unions. If so, why do our Sages say that 'the second union depends on the actions' of the man?
One may answer that, naturally, the heavenly voice ought to have also intervened for the second union. However, nature is modified according to reward and punishment, so that the second union depends on the merit of the man. This explanation can indeed be found in the words of the Rambam*, as cited by the Tashbetz*.
Nevertheless, even for a second union, a man must, through an exercise of his free will, make the decision to marry, since no divine decree can compel him to do so. Indeed, a second union is also a Mitzvah*, even for one who already has children, for 'it is not good for man to be alone', as tractate Yevamot* 61b explains.
F) According to the Akeidat Yitzchak* gate 8 and 322, all unions depend entirely on the actions of the man, and when our Sages speak of the heavenly voice announcing the first union, they are alluding only to the connection between form and spirit, between body and soul.
G) The writings of the Ari Zal*, partially cited by the Yaavetz* in his commentary on tractate Sotah* 2a, explain that the first time, when the soul descends into this world, the heavenly voice announces that 'the daughter of so-and-so will marry so-and-so.' But she may previously unite with another man, as was the case with Uriah and Bathsheba, according to the Zohar* vol. 1, page 73b. Then, when the time for this marriage comes, the man will find this woman without any effort or exertion on his part.
Another may, however, through his prayer, preempt him, if no woman is destined for him, according to the Zohar* vol. 1, pages 91b and 229a, cited by the Midrash Talpiyot* under the entry 'marriage.' He will thus marry her according to his actions and, sometimes, will even change his soul for this purpose, for better or for worse. He will then lose his wife and take another, since he is not the one designated for this woman.
Sometimes, a man will need to reincarnate a second time in order to marry the one destined for him. Or he will live a second life for another reason, and, if he merits it, this woman will also reincarnate so that he may marry her. However, having committed sins that necessitate this second life, he will face accusations that will hinder this union and make it as difficult as the crossing of the Red Sea, according to Sefer HaGilgulim* and Sefer HaLikutim* Tehillim*.
If the woman destined for him does not reincarnate, this man will marry a woman who is herself living her second life, for whom no man is designated. Their union is then difficult, since their natures do not necessarily accord, according to Sefer HaLikutim*.
Nevertheless, a certain closeness must exist between them, by virtue of the source of their soul, according to the same reference. According to another view, the Bnei Aharon* commenting on Sha'ar HaGilgulim*, citing the early Sages in the name of the Ari Zal*, if the woman destined for him does not live a second life, this man will marry whomever he can, as it is said: 'a man and his wife, take what you can from the vineyards.'
* * *
It follows from all that has been said that, whatever the form of the union, one may be preempted by another.
And the Halacha* rules that, for this reason [5], one may become betrothed during Chol HaMoed*.
All efforts [6] are therefore justified.
* * *
The Or HaTorah* of the Tzemach Tzedek* comments on the statement of our Sages, in Midrash Rabbah*, according to which Hashem* intervenes in a man's union in two ways. The first, which he defines, is difficult to decipher, and one may interpret it as follows: Hashem* designates the woman he is to marry, but this man retains the possibility of doing so or not. This is the explanation of the Tashbetz*, cited earlier.
The second way is as follows. Marriage is comparable to the birth of children, health, and material wealth, which depend on astral influences and not on merit and actions. Here too, effort may be useful, as in the domains mentioned previously. Indeed, one whose astral influence is not favorable, Hashem forbid, may nevertheless change matters through his effort. And even when this astral influence is favorable, action on his part remains necessary, and merit may be of assistance, as the Biyurei Zohar* explains.
The Derekh Mitzvotecha* gives another explanation on this matter, based on Chassidut*, as does the Chassidic discourse* entitled 'many waters' and the Chanoch LaNa'ar*.
* * *
A Chassidic discourse delivered in 5671 [7] defines the first and second unions, specifying what distinguishes them. In general, it says that the first is decided by Hashem*, of His own initiative and before any effort by the man. It therefore evokes the first redemption. The second, by contrast, depends on his actions, that is, on his effort, to which it responds. It thus introduces the second redemption.
With my blessing for immediate Teshuvah*, immediate redemption, Rav Menachem Schneerson*, Director of the editorial committee [8]

ב״ה ,ערב -ראש חדש סיון ,חדש השלישי
ביום הזה באו מדבר סיני ,ה׳תשי״ח
ברוקליו ,נ.י.
אל כל המשתתפות בועידה השנתית השלישית של אגודת
נשי ובנות חב״ד
ה׳ עליהן תחיינה
ברכה ושלום!
לרגל התכנסותן בועידה השנתית השלישית של אגודת נשי ובנות
חב״ד הנני פונה אליהן ,כולן ,בברכה היהודית העתיקה :ברוכות הבאות,
ומאחל להן :יהי נועם ה׳ עליכן ,ושתהי׳ הצלחה רבה במעשה ידיכן.
על פי פתגם כ״ק הבעל שם טוב ,ששמענו פעמים רבות מחמי כ״ק
אדמו״ר ,שכל דבר הוא בהשגחה פרטית ומכל דבר אפשר ,וצריך ,ללמוד
משהו בעבודת השם.
גם יום זה לו נועדה ,ובעזר השם תתקיים הועידה ,ראש חודש סיון
] -יש ממנו[ לימוד והוראה לועידה.
ביום זה באו בני ישראל למדבר סיני ,ויחן שם ישראל נגד ההר -הר
סיני .מספרים חכמינו זכרונם לברכה ,שההגעה להר סיני היתה כאיש
אחד בלב אחד ,ושהשם יתברך קיבל זאת כהכנה מתאימה והוכחה
שלהם יש לתת את התורה.
התורה היא בעלת תוקף נצחי לכל הדורות ולכל המקומות ,מובן
איפוא ,שגם ההכנה והאופנים של מתן התורה ,נצחיים אף הם.
יום ראש חודש סיון עצמו ,צריך כבר לשמש כלימוד והוראה
ליהודים בכלל ובמיוחד לאלו שמתכנסים אז יחד במטרה לחזק יהדות
אמיתית ,לפנות בקריאה -באהבת ישראל המאוחדת עם אהבת התורה
ואהבת השם -לאחדות בין כל בני ישראל ,אחדות נגד ההר ,לקבל על
עצמם את תורת משה מסיני -תורת חיים ,תורה הנותנת חיים ומראה
כיצד לחיות ,בימי החול ,שבתות וחגים.
דרפח
נדפסה בלקוטי שיחות כרך ח עמוד 241והושלמה על פי צלום האגרת.
57 תשי״ח ־ תשכ״ה
וכשם שבהר סיני הרי קבלת התורה היתה בסדר זה :כה תאמר
לבית יעקב -לנשים ,ואחר־כך ותגיד לבני ישראל -לאנשים.
כך גם עתה בהכנה לקבלת התורה בחיות ובהתלהבות מחודשים,
על נשי ישראל -בחיות חב״דית ,חמימות ואור כמבואר ע״י רבותינו
נשיאינו לקיים את האמור בהיקף המירבי.
וזה גם מהתפקידים העיקריים של אגודת נשי ובנות חב״ד -להיות
מורות הדרך בעבודת קודש זו.
השי״ת יעזור להן ,בבריאות טובה ובהצלחה רבה ,למלא את
תפקידן
וזה ודאי יוסיף גם בברכותיו של הקב״ה במה שכל אחת מהן
צריכה ,עם כל בני הבית -שיחיו.
בברכת הצלחה וכל טוב.
מ .שניאורסאהן