Igrot Kodesh · Letter 2623 — Shidduchim

B"H

First day of Rosh Chodesh* Iyar 5714,
Brooklyn.

Greetings and blessing,

Following the various rumors that have been transmitted to me, by which I have been particularly surprised, I set aside my many occupations and address to you these few lines.

According to what has been communicated to me, and which, I hope, will eventually prove not to be exact, your family opposes that the wedding of your daughter be celebrated in conformity with the requirements of the Shulchan Aruch*. During this celebration, men and women must be separated.

I would like to explain to you my view, which is the following:

When a wedding is celebrated by respecting this separation as our holy Torah requires, the Torah affirms that "joy reigns in His abode" (according to halachah*, the berachah* in which these words appear cannot be recited at a wedding feast when the men and women are not separated). Thus, when one mentions His Name, one does so joyously. One reveals all this in this world, and in the first place for the young couple.

It is surely useless to remind you of what has occurred in recent years, in the world in general, and for the Jewish people in particular. From all time, it has been necessary to ask Hashem for blessing, for success, and above all for a life in good health and in joy. How much more is this necessary in our era. And the Only One Who can grant all this is the Master of the entire world, HaKadosh Baruch Hu*.

In its time, this Chassid* asked me what I thought of this union. When your question reached me, I thought it was my duty, that it was a merit for me to do so, that your daughter and this Rav might envisage their common life in such a way as to reveal the divine blessings in the best way, that their home be sound and joyous.

Our holy Torah tells us that, for it to be so, it must be possible to ascertain at the wedding that "joy reigns in His abode." It stipulates that it must be so and that there is no alternative. It is clear that no one can modify this situation.

Consequently, I am surprised that parents, doing everything so that their children may be happy, to the full extent of what is possible for them, gather their forces so that joy be absent from the wedding of their daughter, and, in this way, that it then be lacking in their life, chas veshalom*.

One marries to build a home for tens of years. Have parents the right to compromise what will take place during these decades because of the few hours that the wedding will last, in order to please those who do not know the Laws and the Shulchan Aruch* or do not take account of them, or yet for the unconscious ones who are ready to exchange a few moments of supposed pleasure for these tens of years? I ask myself how parents authorize themselves such an attitude and bear witness to such inconstancy.

It is not my doing to send you the police to constrain you to adopt my view. In a general way, I do not make use of constraint, and I do not impose my conceptions. I do not wish either to employ harsh words. I would therefore like to conclude my letter only with positive terms.

When I gave my consent to this union, I was certain that the parents, for what concerns them, would do everything in their power for the happiness of their daughter and their future son-in-law, during the tens of years of their common life. The fact that the friends of your daughter be content or not matters little. It is the Torah that must be satisfied with the manner in which the wedding will take place.

It is in thinking of all this that I gave my consent to this union. As I have said, the holy Torah must be able to attest that "joy reigns in His abode" — in this case, in the hall where the wedding will take place — so that the life be happy thereafter. The Shulchan Aruch* says (Bayis Chadash and Beis Shmuel, Shulchan Aruch Even HaEzer ch. 62 par. 11; the Levush, in his Minhagim, end of the section Orach Chaim, compares all this to "white geese" — because of our many sins, one can ascertain at present that this is in no way the case) that, at a wedding, men and women must be separated.

With my blessing,

For the Rebbe, the secretary,

P.S.: I ask the Rav not to involve himself any further in the problem of this separation. If the daughter's own parents have the audacity and take upon themselves the responsibility of compromising the joy of her life by deviating from the prescriptions of the Shulchan Aruch*, I can do nothing more.

I know that many weddings, including in religious families, have been celebrated without such a separation. But I also have knowledge of the problems that have resulted from it subsequently. May Hashem grant that you may always be in a position to announce to me only joyous news, materially and spiritually.