Igrot Kodesh · Letter 1314 — Faith & Bitachon

By the grace of Hashem,
26 Kislev 5712,
Brooklyn,

Blessings and greetings,

I would like to discuss with you the importance of what you yourself write and to show you its weight — that is, to establish the primary importance of marriage. You assert that you cannot find anyone whom you would be able to marry.

I nevertheless have good hope that by adopting a correct outlook in considering the prospective shidduchim* you meet, you will be able, with Hashem's help, to find the one who suits you, materially and spiritually.

One must always bear in mind that in this lower world nothing is perfect, and so it is with people. None can possess all qualities, and one must therefore not imagine that one can find such a person, as one might wish.

Since no person can combine every quality, it is clear that one oneself has shortcomings, but considers them with indulgence. One must therefore reflect upon all this. In certain areas one must even, to a certain extent, make concessions, while expressing the wish that with time, some of these shortcomings — real or imagined — will improve and dissipate.

If you consider marriage in this way, your choice will be considerably simplified, and you will approach the question of your marriage with much greater serenity.

I would also like to point out to you that it is impossible to form an exact picture of what two people will be after their marriage. For this is a major event in their lives, one that completely transforms it. Now, one cannot anticipate these changes. This means that when it comes to marriage, one does not have a full choice, and one must rely upon Hashem, Who will lead the couple toward happiness and good.

And one can concretely verify that one generally adopts such an attitude, and that one then experiences happiness, until one hundred and twenty years.

The same is true in your case. You cannot claim to verify at the outset, for each shidduch* proposed to you, what he will be exactly after the marriage. On this point one must rely on Hashem, Who can direct the great world and therefore can do likewise, in particular, for the small world that each person constitutes, in order to obtain material and spiritual good together.

I hope you will read this letter once and then a second time, and that you will reflect on what I write to you. The essential idea I would like to communicate to you is the following. From today onward, you must lose the notion that you can immediately ascertain that the shidduch proposed to you is unsuitable. On the contrary, you must tell yourself that Hashem assuredly has you meet someone who suits you. He may be the man destined to be your husband.

One must therefore inquire and know exactly what is involved. I wish that you soon find someone who suits you, materially and spiritually, so that you build a Jewish home founded on Torah and mitzvos*.

With my blessing,

P.S.: You may write to me in the language with which you are most at ease — in Russian, in Yiddish, or in French.